All to often in the world today, loneliness is a common complaint and ailment, causing much vexation and anxiety to the many...this issue of LONELINESS is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. And so to begin I offer my insights and perspectives about how to learn to deal, and even benefit from time spent alone, rather than constantly focusing on the need to 'be in a relationship'...
In response to this inquiry:
“ I’m very confused and at times feel my intuition is clouded and then fear seems to kick in. As for the sense of loneliness, I keep wondering when it will lift. When will I find someone to help take that feeling away? Or maybe there isn’t anyone who can help take that feeling away? Desire for love is big right now and I keep wondering if/when it will happen. I feel that I’ve been alone for way too long now and am tired of feeling this way. I feel in control but not at the same time. P.S: Indeed I believe we do have a connection as you reached out to me and I believe that happened for a reason and I’m grateful for that. I appreciate your words and thoughts always and for taking the time to reply. “
My response is:
From the long term perspective, it is the feminine divinity that is consistently being challenged...women in particular are especially prone to loneliness due to the social programming for marriage and motherhood...there is that expectation that is often to blame for people creating their own loneliness. There is also that expectation of the patriarchy to disempower women and view children as being expendable. Often loneliness comes about because of such disempowerment. You may feel that a woman without a man is like a horse without a bicycle... it is socially unacceptable, although there is also the consideration that a woman without a man is like a major handicap or disability. In the world of today the feminine divinity [the yin] is crying out to take their rightful place in the world largely dominated by the yang, and as a collective, the women of a rapidly changing world need to play a stronger role in bringing that about. Why do you give in to allowing yourself to feeling so disempowered without the support of a man or a partner? Few women consider it, but it is largely disempowerment that creates feelings of loneliness or isolation. The empowered woman is confident enough to make her own way in life, without having to depend on others to support her.
Where did you lose your sense of empowerment and individual creativity to manifest the life you desire on your own?
It is hard for me knowing that there is little I can say to take away your feelings of loneliness. That is hard while we are young, because we have this feeling that something is missing in our lives, thus something must be terribly wrong. You can't realize as yet that such feelings of being disassociated are largely due to social expectations; as young girls, we gain the expectation that our life will be exactly like all the rest; after the drudgery of school and being dominated by the parents we look forward to getting married, creating our own home domain and perhaps having children. We believe that all will be complete once we find Mr. Right; he will make our dreams come true, protect us from all threat, take care of us and love us unconditionally. We believe that then our life has reached it's primary purpose. Someday you will be able to realize the illusion of all this. I must say that I have several other young girls as clients undergoing the same loneliness as you. They too persist in waiting for the illusion to arrive. You are not alone in that. One then wonders how it is that this happens so frequently, while in past generations things typically followed through sequentially and according to plan. It is only because you have not yet been living in reality.
The world of today holds much enchantment and discovery for us all, if you can only learn to realize that. And our purposes here extend beyond the procreation of the species. Marriage and family life is but one pathway to explore, but there are other themes we could choose to play out.
As long as there remains the illusion that all that matters or counts is the outer life, the inner life is left as a barren desert that few feel compelled to travel. This is not how it is meant to be. Even the most beautiful rose can appear in the desert.
If you could only know that your Higher Purposes have more to do with Self-realization and that love is not the only reason for being; yet you could probably not accept that. You would rather have me tell you that you will follow the illusion of everyone else, and have me tell you when love will arrive. I cannot do that though, since for me it is not about making predictions and prophecies.
I suggest that the truth of the matter is that even if you fell madly in love with your own Prince Charming, you would still face times of feeling alone. That would not erase all the woundings of your past; it will not ensure that the rest of your life will run smoothly and without conflict. Relationships have their own purposes and their own sets of challenges. There is no given patent on love. What if you knew that the reality about relationships is that they actually serve as a reflection to ourselves?... as individuals we each have lessons to learn about the self, as well as teachings to provide for each other.
I offer that there are many ways for you to overcome being trapped in a cycle of loneliness; it is only really because you allow it; your belief in loneliness makes it so. There are many other valued pathways that you can follow.
do you feel that your loneliness is about punishment or retribution against you? Have you experienced situations of betrayal or deception in your past? It could also be fears that are still held within your psyche that create a disconnect with others. One of the biggest things to know about is this: our experiences in life are directly related to what is going on in the inner life. It is the essence of ' as within, so without'.
Alas, until you can learn to understand the purposes for your loneliness and what it is trying to teach you, love may come in and out of your life at random. Dealing with loneliness is about getting to the source of such feelings; why do you feel that way; how does it make you feel; more importantly, what is the reality of that experience.
It is important to consider your personal beliefs and values that you hold on the subconscious level; it is through our beliefs and our values that we eventually manifest the reality we must face...these things are mainly the result of our past programming and childhood conditioning; what made you feel lonely or isolated in childhood?
As children we pretty much believe what we are told by our caregivers and family influences. Yet, if you were told that in fact you actually are a giraffe, would you believe it? So why do we naturally accept whatever we are being told about ourselves? If a child experiences ridicule and shame in the past, it is going to make them rather hesitant to reach out to others, for fear of being further humiliated or rejected. The same would apply to whether a person felt insecure and lacking in confidence; were you made to feel different from others; was it implied that you were not very attractive; were your early social interactions rejected by some individuals; did you feel self-conscious or were you made to feel inadequate and unworthy? Our childhood represents the general training ground for our later relationships.
Another consideration must be whether your natural orientation is towards introversion, or more sociable and self-expressive in nature. Do you take the initiative to reach out to others for companionship, or do you wait for it to be offered to you? Do you fear being intimate in relationships with others? Were you conditioned by taboos against intimacy? Then again, are you being too selective and stand-offish? Are you overly concerned with your appearance? Do you judge yourself against others regularly? Do you feel insecure in some way?
In the birthchart, the Moon and Venus can address many of these internalized issues; and much has to do with the sign Rising on the Ascendant at birth...this is the mask we have created for public view to hide our insecurities, fears, self-doubts or weaknesses from others. What lies beneath the mask is depicted by the Sun and the Moon in the chart; these are more about your true essence.
In order to resolve such personal difficulties of loneliness we first must determine how we were made to feel unlovable or undeserving of love. Above all, why do we accept loneliness as a real state of being. There is in truth a big difference between feelings of loneliness, and being alone. If you have enough versatility and interests while alone, you are less likely to suffer the major craving and desperation for love. You can be your own best friend, or your worst enemy, depending on your perspectives and expectations about what life is supposed to be. Worst of all are our expectations. Essentially much of it boils down to the degree of creativity you are capable of accessing, for in truth the creative force holds much influence over our lives; what needs to be understood is that life offers us the opportunity to experience a great many things; it is not only about love...perhaps you feel that is the only way you can define yourself? Do you think you can only be fulfilled through partnership with others?
In truth the scourge of loneliness is due to a loss of connection to your own divinity, which has increasingly become the norm in the world that has been created for us. You don't understand that that connection is essential, and when that is strong you are never truly alone. Being separated from the Source and connection to Divinity is often the true cause of loneliness.
There may also be matters of faith and trust at issue within the psyche. O yee of little faith, as the saying goes. Can you not trust in yourself for fulfillment and validation of the self? It also involves the matter of individuality and independence as well. Why do you constantly believe that there is something wrong with you that causes your loneliness? Perhaps on the psychological level you have learned to distrust yourself in directing your own life. Or you may have learned not to trust others.
But yet, you wonder what any of this has to do with the creation of loneliness. You must understand that is the contents of the psyche that largely direct us through life; and as sentient beings, the inner self does send out messages and communications to the outer world, without even being aware of it. It is these hidden emanations that other people pick up on, which in turn causes their reaction to you as a person; this can either attract, or repel people away from you. Then there is the matter of cause and effect. In my own experience, I chose to end a ten year marriage that appeared to be suffocating me. IN the separation, I then experienced loneliness, despite having made my own choice to do so. And yes it was difficult, but perhaps modified somewhat by having the responsibility of two young daughters in tow to keep me otherwise occupied. I finally made a much better choice in a partner, although I will admit to a secret; at times when we seem to be not connecting or in synch I still experience feelings of loneliness at times. Loneliness stems from a feeling of disconnection and overall we have to find the reasons for our disconnection.
As with all emotions there is a specific process that must be undertaken in order to absorb the impact of such separation and difficulty; it is really about mind over matter. Much depends on your personal perceptions and state of mind which contribute to your personal reactions to things. If you are prone to pessimism and lack of faith, then loneliness is more likely to find you; the more optimistic one is the better they can endure such disappointments in life, and the more likely to attract others towards the self.
Too often we use the wrong attitude to when it comes to being alone...this lack of relationship in one's life appears completely devastating and catastrophic. You forget that the purpose of relationship is to serve as a reflection to the self; it has to involve give and take and a balancing of energies, along with a great deal of compassion, understanding and insight to maintain...as it turns out it is not all about fun and games and wish fulfillment, and indeed there are the many who eventually find that rather than the relationship being helpful, it turns out to be a 'battle for the self'...often it is too late to finally realize that what was supposed to be loving and supportive turns out to be the opposite in many cases.
Think of all the cases of domestic abuse as just one example. Here again, relationships are meant to help us truly define ourselves, yet for the many, ends up in a battle of wills full of contention, competition or conflict. Don't forget that in relationships there are often significant disappointments and the potential for deception and betrayals. If you could consider the potential for a relationship to turn sour on you, you might realize that you are wondering whether the gamble would be worth it, would you not?
Love is a many splendored thing but, it is also full of complexity and adaptation.
In learning to address your loneliness, all you can really do to move through it, is to make adjustments to your own sense of reality, be willing to adjust your perceived desires, and your attitudes and beliefs
about the self. It's purpose at the deepest level, is to bring us back to relying on our own inner divinity to help shape who we are, rather than being totally dependent on others to make us what we want to be.
See this challenge for what it is. We come into this life alone, and typically for the most part we must also exit it alone. It takes a great deal of emotional strength and compassion for the self to undertake the challenge as it presents itself. OF course I can only lead you to the water trough, but I cannot make you drink in the truth.
The better way is to increase your own living skills and ability to adapt, rather than feeling the deep pangs of self-pity by not being in a relationship. Give yourself permission to be an independent individual...without feeling bad about it. There are many techniques for moving beyond this entrapment of loneliness, which I have accumulated over 5 decades of life: these I would like to share with you...
First you must know the nature of this emotional situation and why it has such a strong hold on you;
What is the source still buried in the deepest chambers of your psyche?
What is it that makes you feel crippled and undeserving of love?
What do you believe is really wrong with you, that makes you feel 'untouchable'?
Why is the Universe punishing you and making you suffer?
Have a truthful conversation with yourself...what makes you feel insecure, unpretty, undesirable and disconnected?
What are your expectations in love?
You may well find that the reason is because you do not love yourself enough...you do not believe you can make it alone...people consider you a loser to be alone...you feel unworthy as a person...you deserve to be alone...there is something wrong with you...to be able to grow and express through love, you truly must love yourself first and foremost.
Perhaps you should rather ask the questions like this: why can I not be on my own and still find fulfillment? Why should I feel unworthy? What makes me feel deserving of being alone? How could I otherwise direct my own time to help others?... it is only a matter of perspective. What ails you the most in your life? What makes you feel crippled? Realize that the concept of Love is just that...it is an ideal that can frequently be very easily lost in life. Try to see it as a challenge for you to experience and express your true creative ability to resolve such heartfelt dilemmas...this is the time to really love and forgive yourself and to appreciate the wealth of your inner divinity...without that we are all lost. And while there are many who seek to express their individuality, there are many more who are to afraid to explore it. What keeps you imprisoned in fear and disbelief about your own capacity to live, to love and to inspire others? To keep yourself busy enough to not be bored by yourself? Often boredom is the underlying culprit in the desperation to seek relationship. Can you see?
Once you begin to understand the reality of what you are undergoing, it becomes incumbent upon you to take action to support a new belief system. Realize that in your periods of being alone, it is about truly getting to know and honor yourself. Find your own ways to engender enchantment and discovery. While you continue to anticipate the arrival of a partner to take you away from your drudgery, in the meantime it is the perfect time to truly prepare yourself to be a loving partner for others. This does not just come about automatically. Consider this as an opportunity to correct your flaws, find your own balance within, and to gain an appropriate perspective on things. Deal with your fears, insecurities and self-doubts that keep you feeling paralyzed. Allow your inner beauty to finally shine through with confidence and security. By not allowing that aspect of your beauty to shine through, you keep something perfect hidden from detection. And it is in fact, that your inner beauty acts to attract the attention of others. And what is it about your outer actions that seem to deter others from entering into your personal zone? Stop worrying about what others think of you by virtue of your physical appearance. To make yourself feel better, it is good to give yourself a healing make-over; go to a spa and allow yourself to be pampered; even a simple massage can help lift the spirits and engender a more positive outlook. Do things that lift your level of confidence, rather than expecting others to come to you. Reach out to friends; extend yourself socially. IN the end the best advice for what ails you is to use your time in pursuit of helping others by offering your services in some worthwhile ways; it is truly the things we do for others that matter more than the things we do for ourselves. Stop giving into the pity party and put yourself out there. There are tons of volunteer positions looking for participants to ease the suffering of others. How about spending some time at the local food bank and helping out the poor? Or volunteering time at a hospital gift shop for patients. Consider what you have to give to others, rather than always thinking of yourself. What about hobbies that can be donated or fund raising for charity causes? How can you put yourself out there?
The whole issue of control in one's life seems to also be a common theme for the collective at this point in time, in response to certain critical planetary configurations now occurring; again, it is not just you. Know that you can learn to control your longings and desires for love and your obsession with loneliness, if your heart be willing. Know that it is your own divinity that can heal you if you so allow it...Know that at times when things seem to be at their worst, the creative force is still with you.
Your birthchart can show the underlying themes and currents of influence in your life...should you wish a personalized profile please contact me at: